On the 2nd of April 2008, The Spectator launched Competition No. 2541, which laid down the following gauntlet: “J. G. Ballard’s The Index is a story implied through a fragment of the index of the mysteriously suppressed autobiography of a highly influential figure on the world stage. You are invited to submit a revealing fragment from an index (16 entries) which is all that remains of the autobiography of someone who has privileged access to the great and the good.”
On the 23rd of April, the results of the competition were published. “This was obviously a daunting challenge,” Lucy Vickery wrote, before adding rather tartly, “and entries were thin on the ground.” The winners, reproduced in the article, each received £30.
I can say with complete certainty, however, that one submitted entry never even made it to the judging. The official internal line was disqualification on a technicality, in that the author had ignored the rule about confining themselves to only sixteen entries in their index. And yet, in terms of fulfilling the remaining requirements of the brief, this entry surely succeeded in the way no other submission did: for it was indeed a revealing fragment from an index which genuinely was all that remained of the autobiography of someone who absolutely did have privileged access to the great and the good.
My informant, a former sub-editor at The Spectator, told me that the document in question had arrived by post, marked for the attention of a senior member of staff whose name she did not know. Any private speculation she may have made about this figure’s true identity she would not divulge to me. She did know that the recipient had themselves been brazenly indexed into the index itself by the author, but the inflammatory name and associated references had long since been removed from the copy of the document she then passed on to me.
Upon investigation, she continued, the sender’s name and contact details proved to be entirely bogus. And despite the placing of several discreet notices in the advertisement section, no one ever came forward to claim authorship of the index, the remaining entries of which were presumed lost, until quite recently. My own subsequent researches over the intervening years into the life — indeed the very existence of — the mercurial Fantasia Maxwell-St. Croix had sadly drawn a near-complete blank.
But I was greatly heartened earlier this month to receive through the post a teasingly enlarged version of the fragmentary index which included a number of additional entries leading almost to the present date. “Divine gifts are not to be questioned, simply accepted,” someone once said, and I have made no attempts to trace my mysterious benefactor. I simply live in renewed hope that, one day, full light will be shed on the exploits of this most remarkable woman and that her influence and achievements can be properly celebrated in the grand manner which truly befits them.
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Aldrin, Edwin (Buzz), rumoured seduction by FMS, 388; receives gift of miniature Communion chalice from FMS, 389; encouraged to punch conspiracy theorist by FMS, 725; name appears alongside FMS on list for first Mars tourist flight, 877.
Armstrong, Janet (née Shearon), FMS accompanies at home during Apollo 11 launch, 391-395; speech to world media ghost-written by FMS, 393; annoyance with FMS for falling asleep during Moonwalk, 394.
Armstrong, Neil, rumoured seduction by FMS, 386; FMS suggests “one small step for man” speech during alleged lovemaking session in zero gravity simulator, 387.
Baker, Josephine (née McDonald), meets FMS at party in Paris, 201; rumoured seduction by FMS, 202; receives cheetah, ‘Chiquita’, as gift from FMS, 205; FMS accidentally kills Chiquita with sports car during race, 207—210; refuses gift of cheetah coat from FMS, 213; accepts topaz-encrusted cheetah brooch as gift from FMS, 215; bequeaths cheetah brooch to FMS in will, 450.
Charles, RuPaul, receives ten gowns from FMS after meeting at HIV/AIDS fundraiser, 620; given make-up advice by FMS, 622; introduced to Elton John by FMS, 627; FMS suggests cover version of “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart”, 630.
Dee, Kiki, names FMS as primary co-respondent in subsequent PRS battle, 631.
Diana, Princess of Wales, rumoured seduction by FMS, 675; arranges lunch date in Paris with FMS, 677; funeral attended by FMS, 678; FMS drunkenly improvises new lyrics to “Candle in the Wind” in presence of Elton John, 679-680.
Dietrich, Marlene, rumoured seduction of FMS, 99.
Disney, Walt, meets FMS at premiere of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, 90; rumoured seduction by FMS, 91; insists on naming new film after FMS, 94—95.
Elizabeth II, Queen, rumoured seduction by FMS, 332; FMS makes “worse kisser than her grandfather” joke at garden party, 334.
Fischer, Bobby, given first chess set by FMS, 202; rumoured seduction by FMS, 444; advised against defending World Champion title by FMS, 455; secretly smuggled into Japan inside case of caviar by FMS, 719; fake Japanese passport supplied by FMS; 723.
Hawking, Stephen, rumoured seduction by FMS, 329.
Hitchcock, Alfred, introduced to FMS by Cary Grant, 287; pestered by FMS to allow her to audition for role of Marion Crane in Psycho, 289; declines to cast FMS as Marion Crane, 290; pestered by FMS to allow her to audition for role of Mrs. Bates in Psycho, 291-293, 295, 297; restraining order against FMS granted, 298.
Hudson, Rock, attempted seduction by FMS, 275.
Jagger, Bianca (née Pérez-Mora Macías), rumoured seduction by FMS, 469; FMS suggests idea of birthday party at Studio 54 to, 475; FMS loans white horse to, 477.
Johnson, Katherine (née Coleman, later Mrs. James Goble), receives anonymous scholarship funding from FMS, 285; unknowingly eats lunch with FMS in segregated NASA canteen, 312; introduced to John Glenn by FMS, 314; key calculation accidentally erased by FMS brushing cheetah coat against blackboard, 317; makes breakthrough while attempting to rewrite lost calculation, 318; receives topaz-encrusted cheetah brooch as gift from FMS before awarding of Presidential Medal of Freedom, 856.
Jones, Grace, rumoured seduction by FMS, 480; given first hula-hoop by FMS, 482.
Kennedy, Jacqueline (née Bouvier, later Mrs. Aristotle Onassis), meets FMS at White House reception, 323; rumoured seduction by FMS, 334-340; invites FMS to gala dinner in Dallas, 344; waves to FMS on roadside near book depository, 346; FMS cooks thiéboudienne (national dish of Senegal) for after funeral of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 349; introduced by FMS to Aristotle Onassis, 377.
King, Coretta (née Scott), FMS cooks thiéboudienne (national dish of Senegal) for after funeral of Martin Luther King, 375.
Kitt, Eartha, rumoured seduction by FMS, 188; introduced by FMS to Orson Welles, 190; FMS organises Catwoman audition for, 369; brought to White House dinner by FMS, 376; encouraged to interrupt Lady Bird Johnson’s speech with Vietnam War protest by FMS, 377-378; restraining order against FMS granted, 380.
Lovell, James (Jim), rumoured seduction by FMS, 401; FMS makes “no problems attempting re-entry with me” joke at NASA cocktail party, 410.
Lovell, Marilyn (née Gerlach), FMS accompanies at home during Apollo 13 launch, 406-409; notified by FMS of “Houston, we’ve had a problem” report, 407; annoyance with FMS for accidentally unplugging squawk box during Apollo 13 re-entry, 408.
Maxwell, George, appointed as British Ambassador to Senegal, 2; surprises family, friends and colleagues with news of marriage to Aïssatou St. Croix, 7; surprises family, friends and colleagues again with news of birth of daughter, Fantasia, 8—11; relieved of position as ambassador, 12; suicide in jaws of crocodile, 14.
Maxwell-St. Croix, Fantasia, conception in British Embassy bathroom in Dakar, 5; attends funeral of father, 16; dazzles London society, 40—42; attends funeral of mother, 55—57; dazzles London society with polar bear coat, 60; disappointment at only being second African woman to study at Oxford University, 78; buys shares in Mr. Whippy, 279; strips naked during Psycho shower scene screen-test, 289; places bet with John Fitzgerald Kennedy that Man will not land on Moon by end of 1960s, 327; buys shares in Milk Marketing Board, 402; buys shares in Facebook, 883; offloads shares in Facebook, 885;
May, Theresa (née Brasier), rumoured seduction by FMS, 888; discouraged from entering Tory Party leadership contest by FMS, 890; FMS spends afternoon teaching dance moves to prior to Conservative Party Conference, 892; resignation speech ghost-written by FMS, 895.
Obama, Michelle (née Robinson), receives anonymous scholarship funding from FMS, 511; unknowingly eats lunch with FMS at Harvard, 543; introduced by FMS to Barack Obama, 589; invites FMS to be godmother to Malia, 697.
Quant, Mary, receives first sewing machine as gift from FMS, 261; FMS raises hemline of prototype mini-skirt, 319; lowers hemline of prototype mini-skirt again, 320.
St. Croix, Aïssatou, meets George Maxwell at British embassy reception in Dakar, 3; seduction of GM in embassy bathroom, 4—6; kills crocodile complicit in husband’s death, 15; teaches FMS how to prepare thiéboudienne (national dish of Senegal), 23; relocates to London with FMS, 27—30, 32, 36—38; becomes mistress of King George V, 39, 44, 47; grief-stricken at end of affair, 50; suicide in jaws of polar bear at London Zoo, 53; body repatriated to Senegal for Wolof traditional funeral, 100.
Thatcher, Margaret (née Roberts), befriended by FMS at Oxford, 148—151; rumoured seduction by FMS, 154; FMS suggests idea of developing soft serve ice-cream to, 161; conducts taste tests of experimental ice-cream batches with FMS, 163; encouraged to enter politics by FMS, 164—166; clashes with FMS over school milk reforms, 406; reconciliation with FMS, 423; “this lady is not for turning” speech ghost-written by FMS, 514; organises FMS’ investiture as Baroness, 523; clashes with FMS over Community Charge reforms, 602; rescinds FMS’ investiture as Baroness, 603; milkshake thrown at coffin by FMS, 837.
Woolf, Virginia (née Stephen), introduced to FMS by Vita Sackville-West, 60; rumoured seduction by FMS, 61; starts rewriting new version of Orlando in honour of FMS, 64—69; devastated by FMS’ involvement with Marlene Dietrich, 100; destroys draft of new Orlando by eating it, page by page, 101.
Zuckerberg, Mark, rumoured seduction by FMS, 884; heckled during Congressional Court hearing by FMS, 886; secretly imposes lifetime Facebook ban on FMS, 889.
